I have a steady job, although I have not passed my probationary period yet.
I have taken charge of my mobile phone and a variety of other things.
I have continued to study for my professional qualification.
However, recently, I have felt increasingly lonely.
It has been 15 months since I have had any sort of tender, intimate contact with a guy, something found outside the realms of friendliness.
While I have a number of men who would gladly help me "scratch that itch" for me, sex is more than just being physical with a guy, it is bonding on a higher level and letting someone in just that little bit deeper than usual - the sort of thing which is like being friends but a little bit deeper.
One of my friends I met on the Internet was a prospective suitor however, upon seeing a picture of me and it being different to what he imagined, he cooled significantly and has become illusive.
There is a man at my office who I am interested in, we have interests and other things in common and he has shown strong signals of interest which have been picked up by other people and comments made to me regarding them, in private.
We went out together as part of a larger group and I had a really nice time with him, he stood next to me as the people who were being polite left and did not leave my side save for going out for a cigarette. Then as soon as he came back in, he stood next to me again and continued his conversation with me. As we were leaving, he gave me a hug, slightly longer than anyone else and I felt like I was being electrified, my spine turned to Jelly.
I don't know if he picked up on this but it felt right, like I belonged in his arms.
He has continued to make eye contact with me across the office and yet he does not make a move.
Conversations he has had about ending a blurred friendship with a female friend before she fell in love with him had meaningful pauses with eye contact with me upon mentioning commitment.
I had invited him and a few work colleagues out and they did not attend, it appears it clashed with another event.
As Valentine's day falls on exactly the same day every year, I thought I may have had arrangements which would have taken me away but for one reason or another, those were cancelled. Despite these cancellations, I had still taken the week off as I did not want to be at work especially on that day with my feelings for my male colleague raging beneath my supposedly calm exterior.
This distance has allowed me to regain my focus and try to keep from making a fool of myself at work.
Unreasonably, I am exhibiting feelings of jealousy towards one of his female friends as she is probably the one who has been mentioned as being the one dangerously close to falling in love with him.
Each joke about sex she makes causes a knot to form in my stomach.
Perhaps I fall in love too easily, my self-esteem is not particularly high and I nearly always get viewed as a friend by my male friends so male attention may be received and misinterpreted.
Whatever the case is, regarding my colleague, I will try to remain composed and not allowing myself to show exactly how I feel inside.
This horrible sinking feeling and tingling numbness will not be discussed, nor will the fact that I want to sit in the shower and cry because I am so lonely and confused, just written about on my Blog, which is more anonymous than a Diary.
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