My life is like a film...

I really ought to blog more often.

A particular cute guy at work had given me his number.
Inside I was elated, so happy I could move on from how captain mindfuck left me.
The word date was mentioned and again, my heart rose further.

So when someone I used to work with had seen us together and put two and two together, asking me if there was something going on and I didn't deny it. Things spread like wildfire and he was confronted with questions and rumours. On go the emergency brakes and I get catapulted through the windscreen and become a tangled heap on the road ahead complete with glass embedded in me.

I have no idea why he panicked but here I am, back to square one and far worse, maybe minus a friend.

He's upset and I am too as we are both deeply embarrassed by what had escalated into something far more serious than it was.
I feel awful for him and slightly nauseous thinking about how he must feel.
I am probably more embarrassed as the signals were there and noticed by many.
Right now, a black hole exists where my heart is supposed to be and it is sucking everything up - merely thinking about this makes my chest hurt, it becomes difficult to breathe and my cheeks are hot and wet from the tears I cry in silence.
Being nearly 26, I really ought to brush this off far more easily but I suppose my protective upbringing and relative naivety come into play here.
I do not view men with the suspicion that many of my counterparts do and this may be a flaw of mine which needs work to lessen and ultimately eliminate.
My face may show disappointment at times but I do wear at least a slight facade. Not once have my colleagues seen me cry and I do not intend to change this.

I simply do not understand what is so wrong with me.
Guys think I am an awesome friend but I am beginning to form the opinion that in terms of girlfriend material, I must be perceived like the girl from The Exorcist.

Should anyone reading this have suggestions on what I did wrong or how I can get it right, please feel free to comment on this post.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

FML

Captain mind-fuck continues to bait me, asking me for my lighter to spark his cigarettes up and flirting with me in work and yet, the pictures of him with his girlfriend appear almost staged.
Indeed, they are locking lips but she is clung to his neck like a child and he lacks passion. I wonder is she is aware that he has been complaining about how clingy she is and the face she wants to spend the WHOLE of Easter with him?

I have never had a guy looking so plain and unemotional when he kisses me as each kiss I issue awakens the primitive being inside. I have never issued a kiss to shut a guy up but more to give him a small minuscule taste of what is to come. }>;)

Am I bitter? Perhaps but it upsets me to see such a nice guy wasted on such a dumb, bottle-blonde, greasy-skinned tangerine with no curves and teeth which should be gnawing on a stable door.

Perhaps he wishes to feel like more of a man, as she squeals when he goes fast on his Motorbike with her on the back.
Frankly, in comparison to most Women, I am terrifying - I'm smarter than average, stronger than most, come across as confident and it would be safe to say that I am... Passionate or Horny, all of the time and I REALLY enjoy lots of aspects of sex and any of the foreplay with it.

So Captain mind-fuck, if you put two and two together, get four and happen across my Blog - if you're happy with the aforementioned *ahem* girl then by all means stay with her but stop leading me on.
If however, the signals you are sending betray your true feelings, dump her, approach me properly and prepare for a wild ride of adventure.
Should you lose your courage, refer to scenario one.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Meh

So, guy at work still messes with my feelings, I have to re-apply for my job and things at home are strained.

I'm almost feeling suffocated at home and I am only just holding it together at work and avoiding bursting into tears at how angry and confused I am about this guy.
At least if tears start rolling down my face I can falsely attribute it to my Hayfever.
I feel so lonely, I haven't been cuddled by a partner for well over a year now and this warmer weather just, hurts... It feels like everywhere you look, there is a couple there holding hands or showing affection to one another and I yearn for a piece of that.
I'm either a friend or just plain scary and expected to hold it together for my family. This is the only way I can express my unhappiness and it's tempting to SH.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Manchester Piccadilly train station

It's been a long time...

Things have changed significantly for me, for the better, I must stress.

I have a steady job, although I have not passed my probationary period yet.

I have taken charge of my mobile phone and a variety of other things.

I have continued to study for my professional qualification.

However, recently, I have felt increasingly lonely.

It has been 15 months since I have had any sort of tender, intimate contact with a guy, something found outside the realms of friendliness.

While I have a number of men who would gladly help me "scratch that itch" for me, sex is more than just being physical with a guy, it is bonding on a higher level and letting someone in just that little bit deeper than usual - the sort of thing which is like being friends but a little bit deeper.

One of my friends I met on the Internet was a prospective suitor however, upon seeing a picture of me and it being different to what he imagined, he cooled significantly and has become illusive.

There is a man at my office who I am interested in, we have interests and other things in common and he has shown strong signals of interest which have been picked up by other people and comments made to me regarding them, in private.

We went out together as part of a larger group and I had a really nice time with him, he stood next to me as the people who were being polite left and did not leave my side save for going out for a cigarette. Then as soon as he came back in, he stood next to me again and continued his conversation with me. As we were leaving, he gave me a hug, slightly longer than anyone else and I felt like I was being electrified, my spine turned to Jelly.

I don't know if he picked up on this but it felt right, like I belonged in his arms.

He has continued to make eye contact with me across the office and yet he does not make a move.

Conversations he has had about ending a blurred friendship with a female friend before she fell in love with him had meaningful pauses with eye contact with me upon mentioning commitment.

I had invited him and a few work colleagues out and they did not attend, it appears it clashed with another event.

As Valentine's day falls on exactly the same day every year, I thought I may have had arrangements which would have taken me away but for one reason or another, those were cancelled. Despite these cancellations, I had still taken the week off as I did not want to be at work especially on that day with my feelings for my male colleague raging beneath my supposedly calm exterior.

This distance has allowed me to regain my focus and try to keep from making a fool of myself at work.

Unreasonably, I am exhibiting feelings of jealousy towards one of his female friends as she is probably the one who has been mentioned as being the one dangerously close to falling in love with him.

Each joke about sex she makes causes a knot to form in my stomach.

Perhaps I fall in love too easily, my self-esteem is not particularly high and I nearly always get viewed as a friend by my male friends so male attention may be received and misinterpreted.

Whatever the case is, regarding my colleague, I will try to remain composed and not allowing myself to show exactly how I feel inside.

This horrible sinking feeling and tingling numbness will not be discussed, nor will the fact that I want to sit in the shower and cry because I am so lonely and confused, just written about on my Blog, which is more anonymous than a Diary.